Hakamat Matzeiva

BS"D

My dearest Chani,

Just 2 days ago Lilach was watching a home video of the whole family at Aunt Rivkie's birthday party at Grandma's house. The whole family was there in the video. Lilach turned to us and asked, "But where's Chani"?

Chani Banani, that is unfortunately the way we - me and Ema and Lilach and Eli- go through life. "But where's Chani?" We don't always verbalize this or talk about it in our busy day-to -day lives, but we're always thinking about you. I think that this is unfortunately part of the way adults are. We are not as free and pure and honest and expressive as children are with their feelings, and we also get caught up in life, but there is a beauty and truth in the honesty of a child's expressions. Through Lilach's honesty and purity, you can sense the true feelings of all of us. As you liked to call us - Ema Bema, Aba Tatti, Cho, and Eli Belly Booba. Lilach, your best friend, every so often throws in a comment to remind us that you are always on her and our mind. Lilach will say, " If Chani was here she would say…" or "Chani likes to…", still speaking in the present tense, as though Chani, you are still with her and with us. When Aunt Shoshie once asked Lilach if she misses you, Lilach said "No". Shoshie could not understand how Lilach could say No. Lilach told her that she doesn't miss you because she speaks to you all the time. When Lilach was Ema shel Shabbat in her gan a few weeks ago, Ema and Eli and I went to see Lilach as Ema in gan. Later that day as Lilach and Eli were swinging on the swings in our backyard, Lilach turned to me and said, "If Chani was alive, she would have come to my gan too, and she would have sat next to me." When Lilach or Eli need to take any medicine, Lilach will quote you Chani - "I don't like it, but I have to take it…". If Eli climbs onto the table, Lilach immediately quotes your line of, "It's not acceptable for Eli to be on the table". And Lilach and I are having a difficult time teaching Eli how to laugh and play in the bath like only you and Lilach knew how. And when Lilach's friend came over to play one day and her friend was talking about how she and her sisters stay up talking in bed and whispering together, Lilach turned to Ema and said, "I wish I had a sister". On Shabbos as we sit at our Shabbos table, Lilach will say, "Remember when Chani would fall asleep in her cholent.". And sometimes Lilach will simply just say, it's too bad Chani's not here now. We miss you Chani Banani. We share in Lilach's feelings and expressions. When Ema and Lilach bake for Shabbos, I think of the white flour all over your and Lilach's faces as you baked Challahs with Ema for Shabbos. When I sit with Lilach and Eli on my lap peeking at the Challahs under the Chalah cover on Friday night, I wish you were on my lap peaking with us. You are missing - and you are missed.

When Yaakov avinu, in this week's parasha, hears that Yosef was killed by a wild beast, the Torah tells us of Yaakov's reaction:

ויקרא יעקב שמלותיו וישם שק במתניו ויתאבל על בנו ימים רבים. ויקומו כל בניו וכל בנותיו לנחמו וימאן להתנחם. ויאמר כי ארד אל בני אבל שאולה ויבך אותו אביו.

Rashi, quoting the medrash interprets "Yamim Rabim" that Yaakov mourned for 22 years, and the seforno says that "Vayimaein lehitnachem":

כדי שלא להעביר דאגה מלבו

I can relate to these words of the Torah.

I remember at your levaya, I said to myself - "it is impossible to summarize a whole life, a whole person, my Banani, in one speech. It could not do you justice. How much more so when Ema and I needed to prepare your matzeiva b'kedusha v'tahara. To summarize you on one stone?

You really have 2 sides to you Chani. Chani Banani, the joyous 3-year old. And Chana Liora, the inspiration to the world.

I often find myself getting caught up in the image or inspiration that you were and are to us and to the world, but need to also remind myself of the special beautiful little girl. Every now and then I find myself wanting to connect to you, to remember who you really are and your personality and our relationship, but find it hard to put my finger on. I will, every so often, take out a family picture album or home video and look for you. What always amazes me is how your simcha jumps off the page. Your smile is something else. Your glow and simcha outshines everyone else on the video. Even with all your illness and pains, you embodied simcha. Joy of life. You taught us to appreciate every moment in life. To make the most of what we have. To be b'simcha. To me and Ema, this one sentence summarizes who you are. When we say Chani Banani - it is your joy and simcha that captures you.

You only knew that you were Chani Banani. I don't think that you even realized that you were also Chana Liora bat Hinda Chasha Chava. You were too busy living life b'simcha, to even know that you were sick. You were just a happy girl who liked to push your baby doll in her stroller and put on your sunglasses and high heels. But you did not know or appreciate who you were to the world. They say that sometimes people are not fully recognized or their great impact is not fully felt until after they are no longer with us. I continue to get e-mails from people around the world whose lives were impacted by you, Chana Liora, by a little 3-year old girl. Just yesterday, just yesterday, months after you left us, I got an e-mail from a girl in Australia. We never met her, yet she wrote to us: I wanted to let you know that I have not forgotten about your precious Chani, and I continue to say tehillim every day for her neshama to have an aliyah. Another person wrote me an e-mail telling me that she followed your illness and had davened for you. She told me that she unfortunately now had to deal with a personal situation of difficulty or tragedy and she did not know where to turn. So she remembered you, Chani, and she turned to you for inspiration through your website. She just wanted to write to tell us that when nothing else was able to help her in her difficult moment, you, Chani, were there for her. Can you imagine - and this months after you died. It gives me some sipuk hanefesh knowing how much achdut and mitzvoth and tzedaka and shmirat halashon and heights you were able to accomplish and impact people around the world.

Your neshama had a purpose to bring your Ohr into the world. You brought your light on a simcha level b'frat , and your inspiration on a tzibur level. Someone said to me - Chanukah is coming , you chag, the chag of Ohr. We hope, Chani, that you will continue to shine your light on us, Chana Liora, and on the world, Ohr chadash al tzion ta'ir, v'nizkeh chulanu yachad b'meheira l'oro. I remember when a man came knocking at Grandma and Grandpa's door a few months ago and I answered. It was a person asking for tzedaka. I realized that it was dark out on the porch, so I turned on the light. "Oh , now it's light," he said. I responded, "Ohr Chadash al tziyon ta'ir, v'nizkeh chulanu b'meheira l'oro" thinking of you Chani. And the man corrected me , No- V'nizkeh chulanu yachad b'meheira l'oro. And I agreed with him. Chani, you brought everyone b'yachad. From all backgrounds , from all around the world, people were inspired to greater heights by your light. You also loved to sing and dance Yachad Yachad with me and Lilach and Eli Belly Booba.

So we hope you will shine your light on us and bring only smachot in the future.

In the parasha we read Vayashev Yaakov, the famous teaching of "Beekesh Yaakov leishev b'shalva". After all of the hardships and difficulties that had followed Yaakov throughout his life and travels, Yaakov wanted to rest a little. Hashem was possibly sending Yaakov a message that there was still more to do in the world, more to accomplish, more good to spread. We have also unfortunately felt that after you left us - "beekesh Yaakov leishev b'shalva" - for us to get back into a quiet life. But for reasons unknown to us, Hashem has tested us once and again with other beautiful children who are being tested with terrible illnesses. Chani, I pray that you (and Hadas), should be meilitzei yosher for these special children and continue to bring your Ohr and simcha to them as well.

(I remember when the terrible tragedy of Hadas' petira, Lilach asked Ema, "Does this mean that now Chani is playing with Hadas?" Ema answered yes. Then Lilach asked, "But how are they going to play? - Hadas speaks Hebrew". )

Chani, this whole day is dedicated to you. We will be continuing today to the Kenes Hitorerut in Ramat Bet Shemesh that we initiated together with our close friends the Gottliebs, to join with all of Ramat Bet Shemesh, k'ish echad b'lev echad, to cry out to Hakadosh baruch hu - Deiy, enough to the tragedies.

And then we will continue after the Kenes, not with tragedy but rather in line with my understanding of the Raba Emunatecha of Modeh Ani that I said at your levaya. Usually when we speak of faith, we talk about our faith in Hashem. So what is the meaning of Raba Emunatecha - that Hashem's faith should be great. I believe that the message is that we should show Hashem that He should have faith in us that we can grow and strive and unite not just when tragedy befalls us and not just when we wait for leaders like you and Hadas. So after the Kenes we will continue on to Chevron where a childrens learning center is being dedicated in your memory. As the children of Chevron laugh and sing and play, your sweet smile and love of life and simchat chaim will shine through.

So - to my little girl, Chani Banani, I still miss your hug and I love you a whooooole bunch!

Love, Aba

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